So, yes. I am angry. I'm angry that my baby, which I'm supposed to protect, I'm supposed to hold and love she's gone. One day she's kicking away and another she stops moving and THAT'S my indication that something is wrong. There's nothing to forewarn me?? How am I supposed to protect her if I don't even know what's coming until the worst comes?
Another reason? My doctor.
On friday when I was about to be induced, I asked for another ultrasound. Maybe I'm crazy, but it really doesn't seem like an absurd request. I just wanted to make sure there was nothing else. I didn't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. He tells me, there's no need for another one, her death was 100%, and I just had "a bad baby". A bad baby. A bad baby?! My baby was perfect, she was beautiful and was saved from being soiled by any of this painful world. She was far from a BAD BABY. I did get my ultrasound, and obviously it was clear she did in fact die.
I feel I'm so ruined by this incident though. People say, I'm still young and I can always try again. But, we weren't trying in the first place. She was our surprise, she became our joy. This isn't like taking a drivers license test that you fail, you try again. This is a human life. My child's life that was taken before she even got to breathe her first bit of air. So please, Don't EVER say, you can try again. You can't replace a life. I could never replace my mother and I can never replace my first baby. My first child.
The love of my life.
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