Today has been twelve years since my mother passed away. It's insane to think that it's already been that long. The pain and memories are as fresh as if it was the morning afterward.
I miss her today and everyday, but this year I think about her and my baby girl we named after her. My mother, holding her first granddaughter and giving her all the love and affection I can't express to her. I wonder if in heaven, they're together. Mom was the best. After people die, everyone says the most cliche quote, "EVERYONE loved so-n-so" but in my mother's case, this statement was quite true. Everyone did love her, her colleagues constantly checking in and coming to see us all. She was the type of woman who made everyone smile and laugh. She loved to dance and bake. She was a family woman first and always, but always had time for her friends. She would be the one to sty up at night baking for a cousin's wife's best friend's birthday, just because it seemed right. She was the love of my father's life and a wonderful example to us all. She showed us strength and courage, but she also showed me it was ok to be scared. Cancer took her from us too early, but her wonderful nature and love has made her stay in my heart and memory forever.
So Mom, can you do me a favor? Hold my baby girl tight since I can't, and know forever that I love you. With all my heart.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
We got baby Linda's urn back. A little metal heart.
I'm put in a mental dilemma. I wanted her so badly after I became pregnant. Before her, I didn't want children for at least ten years. Now I want a baby, more than anything. I know I'm still so young and I should wait to start a family, but I would love to actually try for a baby when we could. Until then, what do I do with all these baby things? How can I hold onto them for years with out a baby to put in the bassinet or the crib? Should I get rid of them and wait for our time? I'm just so lost and I know I'm not thinking with my brain but with a broken heart.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
...
Sometime this week, we should be getting a call from the Funeral Home that my baby's ashes are ready to be picked up.
The urn that comes with the package is a fairly large unattractive black box and I couldn't stand to look at it. My mother in law was gracious and let me pick out a small metal heart to have her ashes stored in.
It's unbelievable to me that the next time I hold her, it'll be in my hands in a small metal heart.
My husband is a rock. I know he's in pain and I feel so guilty that I know he tries to stay strong just for me. I wish I knew the words to say just to make all his pain go away. It kills me to see him like this.
What can I do to just absorb all the pain and leave him in peace?!
The urn that comes with the package is a fairly large unattractive black box and I couldn't stand to look at it. My mother in law was gracious and let me pick out a small metal heart to have her ashes stored in.
It's unbelievable to me that the next time I hold her, it'll be in my hands in a small metal heart.
My husband is a rock. I know he's in pain and I feel so guilty that I know he tries to stay strong just for me. I wish I knew the words to say just to make all his pain go away. It kills me to see him like this.
What can I do to just absorb all the pain and leave him in peace?!
Monday, November 5, 2012
I'll be angry if I please.
So, yes. I am angry. I'm angry that my baby, which I'm supposed to protect, I'm supposed to hold and love she's gone. One day she's kicking away and another she stops moving and THAT'S my indication that something is wrong. There's nothing to forewarn me?? How am I supposed to protect her if I don't even know what's coming until the worst comes?
Another reason? My doctor.
On friday when I was about to be induced, I asked for another ultrasound. Maybe I'm crazy, but it really doesn't seem like an absurd request. I just wanted to make sure there was nothing else. I didn't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. He tells me, there's no need for another one, her death was 100%, and I just had "a bad baby". A bad baby. A bad baby?! My baby was perfect, she was beautiful and was saved from being soiled by any of this painful world. She was far from a BAD BABY. I did get my ultrasound, and obviously it was clear she did in fact die.
I feel I'm so ruined by this incident though. People say, I'm still young and I can always try again. But, we weren't trying in the first place. She was our surprise, she became our joy. This isn't like taking a drivers license test that you fail, you try again. This is a human life. My child's life that was taken before she even got to breathe her first bit of air. So please, Don't EVER say, you can try again. You can't replace a life. I could never replace my mother and I can never replace my first baby. My first child.
The love of my life.
Another reason? My doctor.
On friday when I was about to be induced, I asked for another ultrasound. Maybe I'm crazy, but it really doesn't seem like an absurd request. I just wanted to make sure there was nothing else. I didn't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. He tells me, there's no need for another one, her death was 100%, and I just had "a bad baby". A bad baby. A bad baby?! My baby was perfect, she was beautiful and was saved from being soiled by any of this painful world. She was far from a BAD BABY. I did get my ultrasound, and obviously it was clear she did in fact die.
I feel I'm so ruined by this incident though. People say, I'm still young and I can always try again. But, we weren't trying in the first place. She was our surprise, she became our joy. This isn't like taking a drivers license test that you fail, you try again. This is a human life. My child's life that was taken before she even got to breathe her first bit of air. So please, Don't EVER say, you can try again. You can't replace a life. I could never replace my mother and I can never replace my first baby. My first child.
The love of my life.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
A vent
I know that some people blog to get they're opinions out and actually take blogging very seriously, but I'm going to use this to take out some pain and frustration.
About 5 months ago we found out we were having a baby. We'd been married for just a little over a year and were a little scared. Both of us being so young and being in California so far from both of our families. We knew it would be hard and scary, but we were excited to get our family started. In August we found out we were having a little girl. My husband was so excited to be having a daddy's little girl. We decided we would name her in memory of my mother. We were already in love.
Our baby girl was an active one, always kicking and moving. She would tease her father and stay still when ever he would try and feel. However, a week before my third trimester I realized I hadn't felt her kick in a couple days.
We went to the hospital and got her heart monitored, praying they would tell me I was being paranoid and crazy. Unfortunately, my prayers were not answered. The nurses got a doppler to try and hear her heart beat, and still nothing. They then just took me to my own room and said I was getting an Ultrasound and that the doctor was coming.
During the Ultrasound, I saw my baby girls little head and body and in her little chest I didn't see a flickering heart beat. The nurses didn't say anything, but we already knew.
Our doctor came and said I needed to be induced. It was a Monday and we knew we wouldn't be able to handle it that day and just in case they were wrong, I wanted no mistakes. We decided Friday morning was going to be the day.
That night we held each other and cried. His mother was flying in the next day to be with us and I know we wouldn't have been as strong without her. Before we knew it, Friday morning was upon us and even though I knew it would be one of the hardest days of my life, I was at least happy to see her beautiful face.
My sister flew in friday afternoon to be with us as well. After over twelve hours of labor I delivered the most beautiful girl in the world. She was 26 weeks, 14 inches and 1lb 11oz. She had a head full of hair already and the most beautiful little lips I've ever seen on a baby. Her hands and feet were tiny and perfect and she had her daddy's knobby knees. She was absolutely perfect and even with everything else painful I've been through in my life, this was the first time in my life I realized I'd ever felt true heart break. Who knew it would've been from a little girl?
I knew going into her room would be hard but I knew I wanted to see it. I held her clothes and just cried. At only 21 years old I know my life has been changed forever. My baby girl is now with lots of family and loved ones, especially her grandmother who we named her after.
I love you Linda Marie, you will never be forgotten and will always be in Mommy and Daddy's heart.
About 5 months ago we found out we were having a baby. We'd been married for just a little over a year and were a little scared. Both of us being so young and being in California so far from both of our families. We knew it would be hard and scary, but we were excited to get our family started. In August we found out we were having a little girl. My husband was so excited to be having a daddy's little girl. We decided we would name her in memory of my mother. We were already in love.
Our baby girl was an active one, always kicking and moving. She would tease her father and stay still when ever he would try and feel. However, a week before my third trimester I realized I hadn't felt her kick in a couple days.
We went to the hospital and got her heart monitored, praying they would tell me I was being paranoid and crazy. Unfortunately, my prayers were not answered. The nurses got a doppler to try and hear her heart beat, and still nothing. They then just took me to my own room and said I was getting an Ultrasound and that the doctor was coming.
During the Ultrasound, I saw my baby girls little head and body and in her little chest I didn't see a flickering heart beat. The nurses didn't say anything, but we already knew.
Our doctor came and said I needed to be induced. It was a Monday and we knew we wouldn't be able to handle it that day and just in case they were wrong, I wanted no mistakes. We decided Friday morning was going to be the day.
That night we held each other and cried. His mother was flying in the next day to be with us and I know we wouldn't have been as strong without her. Before we knew it, Friday morning was upon us and even though I knew it would be one of the hardest days of my life, I was at least happy to see her beautiful face.
My sister flew in friday afternoon to be with us as well. After over twelve hours of labor I delivered the most beautiful girl in the world. She was 26 weeks, 14 inches and 1lb 11oz. She had a head full of hair already and the most beautiful little lips I've ever seen on a baby. Her hands and feet were tiny and perfect and she had her daddy's knobby knees. She was absolutely perfect and even with everything else painful I've been through in my life, this was the first time in my life I realized I'd ever felt true heart break. Who knew it would've been from a little girl?
I knew going into her room would be hard but I knew I wanted to see it. I held her clothes and just cried. At only 21 years old I know my life has been changed forever. My baby girl is now with lots of family and loved ones, especially her grandmother who we named her after.
I love you Linda Marie, you will never be forgotten and will always be in Mommy and Daddy's heart.
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